from now on nothing will appear the same --wendell berry

2009-10-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

ive decided that instead of posting my own words, i might borrow from others for a bit.

'instead we entangle ourselves

in knots of our own making

and struggle, lonely and confused.

so, like children, we begin again

to learn from the things,

because they are in Gods heart;

they have never left him.

this is what the things can teach us:

to fall:

patiently to trust our heaviness.

even a bird has to do that

before he can fly.'

-rilke

im still here!

2009-07-15T00:04:00.000-07:00

so i havent written on this thing in almost a year. partly because my life became a lot less interesting when i came back to america, and partly because...to be completely honest...ive been kind of ashamed that i came back.

and i feel like im in the same spot again right now. i worked at acadia for 8 months, and am changing jobs...but im not really sure what my next move is. i want to move back to htown to see my family more often, but i just dont have a job yet. ive only been unemployed since friday (and it is tuesday...technically wednesday) but im freaking out.

im excited to be close again not only to my legit family, but also to my many other families and reconnect with them. i am not a fan of transition, so we shall see how this goes...

'blessed, rather are the chased, the harassed, who must daily stand before My enigmas and cannot solve them...'

when i think back to this year of my life, it is truly filled with enigmas.

employed!

2008-09-17T20:26:00.001-07:00

so, i have a job! i will be making a triumphal return to abilene next week and working at a hospital there. and i am excited. i went up to interview last week, and just ended up staying all week due to the hurricane. they called me today to officially offer it to me, so hooray!

its been a weird thing to be back. its been good, and definitely the right choice for me, but weird nonetheless. i look at pictures/blogs from volunteers and am slightly jealous. i think its because being in kazakhstan is sexier than being in texas. but i still know i made the right decision for me.

'such in between spaces are incredibly lonely, inhabitable only for the one who believes [s]he is deeply loved beyong whatever outcome [s]he may see.'

2008-08-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

i am sitting in the detroit airport, enjoying some ms fields cookies and an ice cold diet coke. it is good to be home. im exhausted, and have a lot of things ahead of me, but i continue to have a peace about my decision, about this experience.

one more flight! and im pretty sure that the border patrol officer thought i had brought drugs back from kaz. oh wow.

i also got really excited that i get to see the fourth season of the office when it comes out instead of waiting for 2 years! score!:)

change of plans!

2008-08-25T02:02:00.000-07:00

okay. so i have some news that might be shocking or surprising or whatever, but here it is...

(no, im not getting married nor am i pregnant).

im coming home tomorrow. back to houston.

the people of kazakhstan are beautiful and gracious and giving. i have no complaints with them. peace corps has also been amazing and supportive, both with my decision to leave, and with everything else. i have no complaints with them.

i just cant be this far away from my family, from my support network. i decided after 2 nights of not sleeping and isolating myself to my room that this might not be the best environment for me. as they keep telling me, peace corps is not for everyone.

this decision took a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying. i kind of planned on this for 2 years, so now there needs to be a new plan...and that is a scary and uncomfortable thing. i dont want people to think that i am flighty or weak-willed. i remembered a quote that impressed me...'we are taught that maturity is equal to self-sufficiency.' so just because im not completely independent doesnt mean that im weak or immature. in other words, think zach braff at the end of garden state.

so, i get back into town 930 tomorrow night, and then i dont know what the plan will be. i need to find a job, a place to live, all those things. and i know that i will.

feel free to email (or maybe call, im not sure what will happen with my phone), or visit me wherever i am. im excited to be headed back home.

peace...

philly...land of the cheese steaks!

2008-08-18T19:57:00.001-07:00

So I am in Philadelphia, and staging has been great. It is a wonderful thing to be able to meet 61 other people who don't think you are crazy for entering the Peace Corps:)!

We have just been doing a lot of team building things, and tomorrow we leave for real. It's so exciting that the months of waiting are about to be over. There was a really cool moment today, as we were closing up. We stood in a circle, and just were able to share our thoughts and feelings about the past few days, and about our group. It was one I will remember.

Tomorrow (really the next 2 days) are going to be tiring, so I need to head to bed. But I am doing well and excited for the next part of this journey! Take care!

holy hannah. its happening!

2008-08-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

i am leaving in t-minus 3 wakeups. the sheer amount of things i need to do hit me today, and i really havent slept all week because ive been up late doing things. so, i guess its time to decide what absolutely HAS to be done (pack, for instance) and decide to not do some things that i want to do.

i AM, however, going to get a massage that was a perfect gift from the spoedes. that happens tomorrow. yay for relaxing!

ill have my phone until sunday morning (at 6:30) when my mom drops me off. so, if you want to hear my voice one more time, give me a ring!

take care! talk to you in kazakhstan!:)

2008-08-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

I was blessed this weekend to have a going away party at the Stanleys house. It was so great to be able to hang out and enjoy my family and friends. I also got to share my story at Eccelsia today, which was good. There were a lot of connections made, so that is always exciting.

If I had to put a picture on community, these would be it. I found it when I was in Washington DC last spring break, and it is just beautiful to me. These sculptures looked like weebils (the kind that wobble but don't fall down, not the gross bug that gets in cereal). But what I LOVE is that one is falling over, and one is grabbing him from the front (even though it looks like he may be pushing him, I promise he's not), and one is supporting his back. Community. I fall, you fall. THIS is what I will miss.

In one week, I'll be in Philadelphia, enjoying all of my Kaz20 friends. That is crazy.

This MAY be my favorite picture of the day. The jury is still out. This is Reese Stanley, being held by her daddy. We call this her grumpy face. :)

'more blessed in you than i know'

-berry

poor little AC...

2008-08-06T21:50:00.001-07:00

i took my car (which i lovingly call AC Slater) to a few places today to see just how much it would take to fix him.

by the third place, i was convinced that he is broken beyond repair. they said it would cost 95% of the value in order to get it fixed. insurance only pays if the cost is 65% or less of the total value of the car. they used the phrase 'total loss.'

but on a serious note, i will miss that car. lots of memories of trips to abilene, proctor, south carolina, all over texas. its been good to me.

if rosetta stone was a physical being, i might kick it in the face. seriously. it is just very particular, and my russian is coming out with a little spanish accent. sounds kind of funny.....

oh and ps...if you are reading this and dont have plans for saturday, come to my party!:)

2008-08-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Jacey and I got to go to the beach for a few days, and it was amazing. I decided I am a big fan of laying in the sand and doing nothing. So relaxing!

Then, my mom calls with sad news. Eduoard is coming! It actually was (and still is) headed toward Galveston, which is way north of where we were at, but we came home early anyway. It's supposed to bring lots of rain, so plans might change for this week, we shall see.

Good to be home though. Can't believe I'm 12 days away from Philly!

impeccable timing.

2008-07-31T15:42:00.000-07:00

I went to Dallas/Stephenville/Proctor this weekend for one last grandparent trip. So, I got to see lots of friends and drove lots of miles.

But what I really want to tell you about is my accident.

No, I did not pee my pants. I had a car accident.

'How did it happen?' you ask. Please let me tell you.

I was on my way to Stephenville to see my beautiful friend Michelle Ellis, who is due to give birth in 2 weeks. CRAZY. Anyway, so I am driving on a dirt road in order to get to said friend. I was driving up a hill, and when I got at the top of the hill, I see a truck flipped over, and a green car RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I'm not gonna lie, I said some not nice words. But the situation was quite deserving of those words. I tried to swerve around them, and I just couldn't stop, so my passenger side hit the back of the green car.

So, I pulled out of the way and found out that the green car had stopped to help the flipped truck. I thought it was a little fishy that she kept telling me that I could leave, and everything was okay. I mean, I've never been in an accident, but I was pretty sure that you're not supposed to leave the scene of a crime. Hit and run, yes? Yes. So, I waited and did what any grown up would do in the same situation.

I called my mommy. Got some reassurance, and waited for the police to come.

When green car girl heard the police were coming, SHE said some not nice words, and informed me that her license is currently suspended. Oops. Then, her boyfriend shows up. When he discovers that the police are on their way, he freaks out and says he needs to leave because he has a warrant out for his arrest. Wow. I was shocked.

I ended up not getting a ticket, which was good, because I really couldn't have avoided the situation. But, my poor AC Slater, who has been such a good car to me, will have to have a little plastic surgery.

My passenger side doors won't open. Awesome. What really stinks is that we are t minus 17 days from Jill leaving the country. Insurance is not that quick about these things, I am figuring out, so it looks like I am leaving a headache for my dad (read Jacey) to handle.

But the good part of this crappy situation is that I am okay physically. It could have been a lot worse (let's remember that a pickup truck flipped). My back is a little sore, but I press on.

In other news, Jacey and I are going to Corpus Christi this weekend! Yay for days filled with books, sun, beach, and perhaps a few adult beverages. And, no I don't mean diet coke.

'just keep going, no feeling is final.' - rilke

2008-07-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

I had my garage sale today (and it continues into tomorrow) and it was a lot more emotional than I thought. I had to take a moment to compose myself before I faced the swarm of people saying 'how much do you want for this.' I know that it's just stuff, it's replaceable. But it was still hard.

I think I am realizing that it's coming. I'm leaving in 20 days, which seems a lot more real than 2 months. I am still very excited and ready for August 17 to come, don't get me wrong...this is just harder than I thought. And I am so very grateful for sweet Spoede's who don't let me be sad alone. And for my sweet sister who makes time to talk and listen to me.

'long you must suffer, knowing not what,
until suddenly out of spitefully chewed fruit
your suffering's taste comes forth in you.
then you will love almost instantly what's tasted. no one
will ever talk you out of it.'
-rilke

working for nothing

2008-07-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am just in love with Wendell Berry lately. Especially when sleep escapes me...

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. Whenthey want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and
embrace the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plan sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion--put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie easy in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Sweat allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.
--Wendell Berry
Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love this. Yay for Barnaby's with sweet friends tonight.

2008-07-22T14:02:00.000-07:00

I am garage sale-ing this weekend. As in, I am having one. But of course, in order to have a garage sale, one must collect things to sell in said sale. :) So, it has been an emotional week. I've been going through things, and deciding what I can sell and what I absolutely cannot live without. The hardest thing to part with was my books. I love to read, and have built myself quite a collection despite not having a permanent place to put them. I was going through them with the Spoede's (AKA family I live with), and it was just hard.

I'm trying to wrap my head around 2 years, how long that is, and how little I can take. I'm trying to be a big kid in my decisions and be practical. But despite what my sister says, I am taking my hair straightener. You heard me. I'm taking it!

But, in the words of wisdom from my dad...'well, now when you get back you can just get new stuff.'

In other news...my mom got married this weekend! And I got to be the picture taker, which I enjoyed. I was glad that I got to be here for her big day. I love my mamasita!

And this is probably my most favorite sister picture EVER. Add this to the list of things I will miss...funny photo sessions with my sister!

2008-07-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to visit with some of my 'dear friends', the Stanleys last night. I just love them. The name of my blog came from a book that they gave me for my birthday that chronicles the life of a woman named Rachel Corrie, who ultimately gave her life for a cause she believed in. Her story is one of pain and frustration with her world, and the knowledge that she was intended for something bigger.

I just wanted to share the entry from the book that lends itself to the title of her book as well as my blog.

"If the words I use buzz away from my lips meaninglessly, then we'll let them hang in the air for a while. We'll let those silly words sit and make fools of themselves until other words come and crowd around them.

I need to flutter and hover and look at the diamond ripples through six swirled insect eyes. Just don't touch me for a moment. Let me sit and stare at everything through my own eyes for a while. Let me dance in the lily petals and skim the trembling water and buzz like useless words in the air.

Do you understand? Let me lie on my back in tall grass and see the sun and the water droplets on the branches and the red tree trunks through my own eyes. Let me color them and build them with my own words. Lonely, strong words. Let me stand alone at the edge of the earth and look at it honestly, alone." -rachel corrie

I just think these words are beautiful and inspiring.

I also bought a sweet sleeping bag today, and learned way more than I ever wanted to know about sleeping bags in general.

I made my travel plans for leaving Houston, and I will be flying out August 17 at 7:25 am. Gross. I doubt that I will sleep much, if any, the night before. Basically out of sheer excitement. But that is still early. I fly to Philadelphia, and I'll stay for 3 days. Then we fly from New York to Frankfurt to Almaty. I think it's something like 14 hours. Ridiculous.

And I'm 30 days away!

Roberts Reunion

2008-07-06T19:55:00.003-07:00

i love my grandad.

So I got to spend some time with my grandparents and also have a family reunion over this past week. It was lots of fun and sweet memories that I will treasure when I am gone.

exciting news!

2008-06-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I finally found out where I am going. (I say 'finally', but when I think back on this whole process, I realize that it has only been 5 months since I applied. But it sure did feel a lot longer!) I accepted an invitation to Kazakhstan today, and I will be leaving August 18. I am pretty excited. Even though this is completely different from my original nomination, I am still stoked. All I know about Kazakhstan is what I have read by googling, and also from some info from PC. They eat horse meat. And its really cold. So, it should be interesting.

I should be at camp for about another month, and then I'll leave for staging in August. And I will be learning Russian. So, I plan on going to Borders and buying a Russian for Dummies CD. Crazy.

I can't believe it's here. It feels so very close, but so far away. Lots of packing and such to do before then.

Things I will miss:

(aside from the obvious...family and friends!)

Mexican food (I was thinking about this today as I was eating lunch. I am guessing there is a huge lack of Mexican style dishes in Kazakhstan.)

Driving at night. With my windows down. Really, driving in general. (PC Volunteers arent allowed to drive while serving. Yikes.)

Big diet cokes from Sonic.

Thats all I got for now. I am sure I will be adding to this list as it gets closer. Okay, I need to work on my aspiration statement (gag) so I can get it to the country desk.

2008-04-30T13:22:00.001-07:00

I had an e-mail from Peace Corps this morning, saying that my application status had been updated. So, I excitedly go on the website, and login. It just said that there is a hold on my application, but it also says that is normal...that every application is on hold while under medical review. What! Just tell me when I am leaving, that really is all I want to know. Thanks. So, really no updates on that front, I guess the application has just moved from the pile to someones hands. Yay for that.

In additional news, I got hit on at the Brookshire Brothers in Bellville last night. Woo-hoo.

waiting

2008-04-20T10:13:00.001-07:00

I am 2 finals, 1 presentation (due tomorrow) and 1 paper away from being done with my MSW. Which of course makes me super excited.

But I find myself quite frustrated because I am ready for the next thing. For Peace Corps, to know where I am going, to work at camp, for all these things that are coming up. It's weird because I'm thinking back to the Summer after I graduated college, and I find myself in the exact same place. I am waiting on the next thing, which makes me lose sight of what I am doing right now. Being content with where I am at is something that's hard for me...and I think it's hard for most people. We are a society of people that wants more stuff, bigger cars, more technical gadgets. So, I want to try and be happy with now. Be happy with my presentation due tomorrow. Be in the moment. Instead of waiting on the next thing.

'but all passes -- there is even a kind of solace in that.'

-w. berry

This is what happens when Jacey and I want to be rebellious and look bad a. We dye our hair!

2008-04-13T16:55:00.000-07:00

So this is where I plan on updating everyone when my life gets crazy in the next 6 months. This is what I know so far...Asia, September 2008, serving in the Peace Corps. And that's all I know. yes, 'Asia' is vague. Welcome to my life.