ive decided that instead of posting my own words, i might borrow from others for a bit.

'instead we entangle ourselves

in knots of our own making

and struggle, lonely and confused.

so, like children, we begin again

to learn from the things,

because they are in Gods heart;

they have never left him.

this is what the things can teach us:

to fall:

patiently to trust our heaviness.

even a bird has to do that

before he can fly.'

-rilke

im still here!

so i havent written on this thing in almost a year. partly because my life became a lot less interesting when i came back to america, and partly because...to be completely honest...ive been kind of ashamed that i came back.

and i feel like im in the same spot again right now. i worked at acadia for 8 months, and am changing jobs...but im not really sure what my next move is. i want to move back to htown to see my family more often, but i just dont have a job yet. ive only been unemployed since friday (and it is tuesday...technically wednesday) but im freaking out.

im excited to be close again not only to my legit family, but also to my many other families and reconnect with them. i am not a fan of transition, so we shall see how this goes...

'blessed, rather are the chased, the harassed, who must daily stand before My enigmas and cannot solve them...'

when i think back to this year of my life, it is truly filled with enigmas.

employed!

so, i have a job! i will be making a triumphal return to abilene next week and working at a hospital there. and i am excited. i went up to interview last week, and just ended up staying all week due to the hurricane. they called me today to officially offer it to me, so hooray!

its been a weird thing to be back. its been good, and definitely the right choice for me, but weird nonetheless. i look at pictures/blogs from volunteers and am slightly jealous. i think its because being in kazakhstan is sexier than being in texas. but i still know i made the right decision for me.

'such in between spaces are incredibly lonely, inhabitable only for the one who believes [s]he is deeply loved beyong whatever outcome [s]he may see.'

i am sitting in the detroit airport, enjoying some ms fields cookies and an ice cold diet coke. it is good to be home. im exhausted, and have a lot of things ahead of me, but i continue to have a peace about my decision, about this experience.

one more flight! and im pretty sure that the border patrol officer thought i had brought drugs back from kaz. oh wow.

i also got really excited that i get to see the fourth season of the office when it comes out instead of waiting for 2 years! score!:)

change of plans!

okay. so i have some news that might be shocking or surprising or whatever, but here it is...

(no, im not getting married nor am i pregnant).

im coming home tomorrow. back to houston.

the people of kazakhstan are beautiful and gracious and giving. i have no complaints with them. peace corps has also been amazing and supportive, both with my decision to leave, and with everything else. i have no complaints with them.

i just cant be this far away from my family, from my support network. i decided after 2 nights of not sleeping and isolating myself to my room that this might not be the best environment for me. as they keep telling me, peace corps is not for everyone.

this decision took a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying. i kind of planned on this for 2 years, so now there needs to be a new plan...and that is a scary and uncomfortable thing. i dont want people to think that i am flighty or weak-willed. i remembered a quote that impressed me...'we are taught that maturity is equal to self-sufficiency.' so just because im not completely independent doesnt mean that im weak or immature. in other words, think zach braff at the end of garden state.

so, i get back into town 930 tomorrow night, and then i dont know what the plan will be. i need to find a job, a place to live, all those things. and i know that i will.

feel free to email (or maybe call, im not sure what will happen with my phone), or visit me wherever i am. im excited to be headed back home.

peace...

philly...land of the cheese steaks!

So I am in Philadelphia, and staging has been great. It is a wonderful thing to be able to meet 61 other people who don't think you are crazy for entering the Peace Corps:)!

We have just been doing a lot of team building things, and tomorrow we leave for real. It's so exciting that the months of waiting are about to be over. There was a really cool moment today, as we were closing up. We stood in a circle, and just were able to share our thoughts and feelings about the past few days, and about our group. It was one I will remember. 

Tomorrow (really the next 2 days) are going to be tiring, so I need to head to bed. But I am doing well and excited for the next part of this journey! Take care!

holy hannah. its happening!

i am leaving in t-minus 3 wakeups. the sheer amount of things i need to do hit me today, and i really havent slept all week because ive been up late doing things. so, i guess its time to decide what absolutely HAS to be done (pack, for instance) and decide to not do some things that i want to do.

i AM, however, going to get a massage that was a perfect gift from the spoedes. that happens tomorrow. yay for relaxing!

ill have my phone until sunday morning (at 6:30) when my mom drops me off. so, if you want to hear my voice one more time, give me a ring!

take care! talk to you in kazakhstan!:)